Releasing Moral Shame
The feeling of shame can be difficult to bear, especially since it is an emotion that we tend to hide. Men and women deal with moral shame in different ways and it’s important to understand why men experience moral shame and explore unique ways for men to reconcile one of their most challenging emotional states.
If you hold yourself to an unobtainable moral standard, then you’re bound to confront this challenge at some point in your life. It can lead to anxiety, PTSD, depression, and even suicidality.
When Does a Man Feel Moral Shame?
The feeling of shame for men is complex and multi-faceted. Some men struggle to recover from what’s called a moral injury. That could mean you’ve done something or said something that deeply conflicts with who you believe you are as a person.
You might feel moral shame when you’re a member of a marginalized group like the LGBTQ community, but it can also happen when you’re simply affiliated with what society deems as “the wrong crowd”.
You might feel that you are unworthy of the high standing that others place on you and that can lead to a sense of self-loathing. Shame is an emotion that you might feel when you don’t like your body, your personality, your family, or your job, especially if any of these things conflict with the ideal version of yourself that you have in your mind.
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Moral shame happens to soldiers. It happens to politicians. It happens to police officers. It happens to athletes. It happens to prominent religious figures. It happens to business leaders. If you notice the trend here, it happens to men who must implicitly inhabit a moral space to function or men who feel the weight of outside expectations that conflict with who they really are. What most people don’t realize is that moral injuries and shame can happen to anyone and everyone.
Shame is an emotion that is deeply connected to our place in society. Its foundation is the pre-conceived notion of how we’re supposed to behave and that is based on our upbringing and enculturation. Moral shame is related to feelings of pride, embarrassment, and guilt. It is predominantly a negative emotion.
Can Moral Shame Be Positive?
There is a flip side to moral shame that can be seen as positive. It too relies on ingrained beliefs about what’s considered right and wrong. For example, if you commit a heinous crime, then you should feel a certain level of moral shame.
Like an internal compass, our sense of shame helps to steer us away from actions, thoughts, and beliefs that would endanger ourselves and others. It is meant to act as a safeguard against disrespecting the right for everyone to have equal footing and the right to be uninfringed by others’ actions and beliefs.
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After all, shamelessness is a dangerous quality that fails to recognize other viewpoints and our own importance in society. In a nutshell, that’s the practical purpose of moral shame. However, shame is not required to respect others.
The positive benefits of moral shame are very limited in today’s society. We are currently living through a witch hunt season where people are publicly shamed for the pleasure and entertainment of the mob. The more famous the offender, the more virulent the public attacks on social media. It’s gotten to the point where some people are unwilling to voice their genuine thoughts and represent themselves in a genuine way in the public forum for fear of backlash that could lead to a loss of employment, public humiliation, and ostracization.
Releasing Shame Around Self-Expectations
Moral shame is closely related to how we represent ourselves and how we view our own moral character against the ideals and values that we hold dear. If you feel this type of moral shame, then it’s imperative that you widen the parameters of how you see yourself. You are not the actions or thoughts that led to you feeling moral shame. You are a whole being that is so much greater than that.
If you want to let go of deep moral shame, then you must be willing to embrace your own greatness. This can be difficult if you’re feeling depressed. You might just want to stay in bed, retreat from social engagements, and totally shut down. Yet, this only makes your feelings of shame worse. It validates shame instead of alleviating it.
What you need to do is redirect your focus toward positive aspects of your life. See the event that produced your sense of shame as a small moment, as a small blip on the radar in your greater story, which is still being written.
How to Let Go of Moral Shame About Your Body
Men can be perfectionists about their body. Yet, it’s important to realize that you are more than your physical image, and there’s no need to feel ashamed about your body. If you suffer from body shame, also known as body dysmorphia, then you probably place too much importance on your physical appearance. You might think your nose is too big or that your chest is too small.
Body dysmorphia not only distorts your perception of your self-image, but it makes you believe that other people are fixated on that flaw, too. It’s important to understand that what you perceive as a flaw could in fact just be a unique feature of your body. In fact, others might appreciate your unique features more than you think.
Also, it’s important to focus on what you can change and what you cannot change. You might be able to build a better physique or have a surgical procedure to create the body image that you desire.
However, you should never place too much importance on your physical image to the extent that it becomes an obsession. You’ll never let go of shame if you constantly focus on what you perceive as a physical shortcoming.
How to Let Go of Deep Moral Shame When You’ve Been Sexually Victimized
Men who have been the victims of sexual assault or rape can feel a deep sense of shame. It hinges on the expectations of men to be strong, powerful, ad capable of protecting themselves. You might obsess over what you should’ve done or how you could’ve saved yourself.
Nobody wants to feel powerless or victimized. So, the feeling of moral shame arises as a way to take back your power. By accepting that this was all your fault, your mind says that you weren’t really powerless against your aggressor. In fact, it was just something that you did that brought this whole thing about. That can lead to intense feelings of moral shame on your part.
Yet, you have to realize that taking responsibility and blaming yourself does not reduce the damaging effects of being sexually victimized. You’re only causing further injury to yourself. You should seek professional help by talking to a counsellor. This can help you resolve the emotional and mental trauma that you’re feeling. You should also report the crime to the authorities. This is the proper way to take back your power, not by blaming yourself.
Letting Go of Moral Shame and Sexual Orientation
Some men feel deep moral shame about their sexuality when they are curious, having questions about their sexuality, or identify as bisexual. This happens when your desires and needs create a moral conflict inside of you. The values and expectations that you’ve become accustomed to are at odds with an emerging aspect of your nature.
It might be helpful for you to realize that millions of American men share your same desires and needs. You should also challenge the preconceived notions of why you feel that your desires are somehow wrong. Is it because of what you were taught? Is it because of what you think others might think?
If the answers to these questions are “yes”, then you should explore the redefinition of your own principles. You should start placing greater value on your own perceptions and values. Accept that these ideas can evolve over time.
It can also be helpful to speak with someone who was once where you are, a man who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ community, or a support worker in the LGBTQ community. They can help you to reframe your ideas about what it means to be gay or at least answer some of your questions about the gay community. Simply having a way to express yourself can protect you from feeling moral shame about being bisexual, gay, or questioning your sexuality.
How to Let Go of Shame When You Fail to Live Up to Others’ Ideals About You
One of the worst feelings a man can have is when someone looks up to you as a moral authority, yet you feel unworthy of the position inside your heart. Oh, the sting of being called a “hero” when you feel like a villain inside. It can truly rot your emotional wellbeing when the world puts you on a pedestal and you don’t feel worthy of the position.
The moral shame and guilt of this nature can lead to intense depressive episodes and even suicidality. It creates such a serious conflict inside of you as you struggle to keep up appearances and meet the standards that others have about you. It only takes one tiny pebble to shatter that glass house and send you into profound moral shame.
This happens to athletes, politicians, and other men of high social standing all the time, but it can also happen to anybody who leads a double life or maintains a public image that doesn’t equate to their actual persona. If you feel that this type of moral shame resonates with you, then you need to slowly and methodically peel away the veneer of your public image. Do it yourself before something that you can’t control brings down the façade.
Start by doing some self-disclosure. Level the playing field by reminding the people around you that you’re just like them and you suffer from the same struggles as everybody else. If you can’t let your colleagues peer into your personal life, then seek out a good counsellor who you can speak candidly with about the moral conflict going on inside of you.
Ultimately, you need to gently take yourself down from the pedestal before you suffer a catastrophic fall of character.
How to Let Go of Shame When You Fail to Live Up to Social Norms
First and foremost, you don’t have to define yourself by the values of others. There are so many other viewpoints, ideas, and lifestyle choices in the world. So, in order to let go of deep moral shame that is based on societal norms, you need to expand your boundaries. Try to understand that you don’t have to be a victim of other peoples’ judgment or prejudice. There are so many people who have different viewpoints about what is considered “normal”.
In fact, it’s not normal to hold onto moral shame until it becomes a toxic emotion inside of you.
Your self-esteem will always hold greater value than your public esteem. Make sure that you accept yourself and then you can set the parameters of how you want society to accept you. Social norms evolve and change. So, it does no good to conform to an old paradigm of values that no longer serve in our society.
As mentioned earlier, you don’t have to feel moral shame to be a good person. To let go of moral shame that is tied to social norms, you need to strengthen your own set of values. When armed with a strong set of personal values that you uphold, the so-called norms of society hold less power over you.
Letting Go of Moral Shame Looks Like This
Moral shame is a complex emotion that provides a natural incentive for conforming to societal norms and deeply ingrained values. Yet, it can totally take away your ability to function in society when your own needs and desires conflict with what society deems acceptable or what your ideals say is acceptable.
The problem is that there’s no guidebook for when moral shame is appropriate. It’s an emotion and therefore it arises when you feel it, not necessarily when it’s useful.
To avoid moral shame, you might need to reframe your self-image. The key to letting go of deep moral shame is adjusting the expectation of how you “should” respond, how you “should” feel, or how you “should” behave in response to something that has happened to you or in response to who you are as a person.
You have to realize that you are greater than the expectation. You have to realize that you do have the power within you to redefine, to reshape the narrative about yourself. The thing that is making you feel ashamed does not define you.
At any moment in time, you can adjust the definition of yourself. That’s the beauty of being a human being – you’re ever-changing and evolving. Don’t let moral shame hinder your growth as a person. If you feel that you’re battling with moral shame, then reach out to a counsellor, mental health professional, or even just a friend that you trust.
