Sexual desire isn’t the same for everyone
Do you find yourself wanting more sex than your girlfriend? Does this leave you feeling rejected and confused? Wondering what to do about it?
If the answer is yes, you wouldn’t be alone.
In my work as a counselor, I’ve seen this dynamic play out dozens of times. If left unchecked, it can cause some men to jump to conclusions and sometimes sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship.
Here’s the truth:
Some guys like getting it on several times a day. Other men are more of the once a week type. The same holds true for women. Believe it or not, there’s a clinical name for this dynamic sexual desire disparity (Alman, 2011).
Regardless of your situation, it’s critical to realize most couples operate at different speeds.
If you are in a relationship with a woman where you want to knock boots more than she does, here are seven tips to think about.
1. It may not be about you
Comparing your level of desire to that of your girlfriend can lead to problems. This is especially true if you aren’t considering certain issues.
Here are some things to ask yourself:
- Is she on any new medications?
- Does she take something for depression?
- Did she recently experience a loss?
- Does she drink a lot or use substances?
- Are the both of you working different hours?
- Does she have a different circadian rhythm than you?
For these reasons (and many more), there could be mitigating factors contributing to her lower sex drive. Assuming you two are close, why not chat about it?
2. Discuss needs
One very real reason her sex drive may seem lower than yours could be emotional. In other words, women tend to need an emotional connection as part of sexy time.
Consider the following questions:
- Do you know what her emotional needs are?
- Are you aware of her sexual needs?
- Does she know what turns you on?
- When you are intimate, does she gravitate towards physical contact or emotional bonding?
If you aren’t sure of the answers to these questions, take it as a signal that it’s time to chat. What if she doesn’t understand how to please you and is embarrassed to ask?
Conversely, what if you aren’t doing what she likes and feels uncomfortable bringing it up?
I admit these types of conversations aren’t always the easiest to have.
3. Kissing and Touching Needed
As males, we are wired to be more physical. This goes back to our primal beginnings when we first walked the earth. Let’s be real guys – our automatic default is to go right at it like rabbits.
More: How guys handle breakups
While there’s nothing wrong with this, sometimes intimacy can take a backseat. As a way of self-checking yourself, reflect upon the following question:
When is the last time you both kissed?
Not a quick peck on the cheek. Not a forehead kiss. Instead, I’m talking about the kind of kiss that goes right through to your core.
If you can’t remember the last time this happened, consider it a prompt from the universe to return to the basics. In other words, it’s time to reestablish awareness around each other’s bodies.
There are several ways to accomplish this. Examples include soft touching, holding, and spooning. You’ll know things are back on track when you can intuit deep inside she’s into you.
4. What’s your definition of sex?
What’s your definition of sex? How about your girlfriend? Silly as this may sound, not everyone shares the same thoughts.
Here’s what I’m aware of – sex, even when it’s animalistic, is mostly a function of mental perception. Moreover, it involves way more than genital stimulation.
Consider these starter questions: Do you consider oral a form of sex? How about fondling? How might her definitions differ than yours?
Is the dynamic such in your relationship that you wait until she initiates? When she doesn’t, do you just sit there like a bump on a log and do nothing?
If so, you aren’t alone. In many relationships, it’s the female green lights the time for intimacy. Here’s the problem. As time goes on, things become predictable. In turn, this can lead to massive boredom.
That’s why you need to initiate.
If you she is not respondent, which may happen, look it as an opportunity for dialogue. In other words, talk about what’s happening.
Now I’m going to let you in on something I’ve been told by women during one on one counseling sessions.
Girls like it when guys initiate, particularly if it’s not the norm in the relationship.
It can be a huge turn on. Moreover, it helps to make the predictable unpredictable. Make sense?
If the gal you are with isn’t in the mood and you are, consider self-pleasure. Yes, you read that right. I’m talking about the taboo topic of masturbation. I know this may seem uncomfortable but you may discover it to be helpful.
I know some men who make out with their girlfriends while they engage in this activity. Obviously, both parties need to agree.
Moreover, the goal shouldn’t be to manipulate her into doing more. Instead, it’s about creating intimacy in a way that gets needs met.
7. Consider couples counseling
If the both of you have arrived at a place where sex isn’t happening at all, it could be a time to think about couples counseling.
I’m here to tell you that – at some point, all relationships go through dry spells. The longer the two of you are together, the more likely this will happen.
I’ve even seen some relationships where sexy time doesn’t happen at all – ever.
Instead of casting blame and making assumptions, it just makes sense to work with an experienced professional. Doing so can help you both to better understand the unique dynamics of your relationship.
One resource I’d like to suggest is the book called: The Five Love Languages for Men: Tools for Making a Good Relationship Great by Chapman (See price on Amazon).
What I like about this read is the way the author speaks to men using guy friendly language. It’s caulked full of practical advice that is designed to help you create a closer relational bond.
Remember, not everyone operates at the same speed in the bedroom. Communication is key – and so is patience.
Alman, I. (2011, February 11). Sexual desire desparity. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-sociability/201102/sexual-desire-disparity-when-one-wants-the-other-doesnt