You are both exclusive, but she still wants you to wear a condom
Jack offers answers to tough questions men want to know about love, romance, and relationships.
I’ve been dating this girl for about a year now and the both of us have agreed to be exclusive. The problem is anytime we become intimate, she insists that I wear a condom.
Maybe it is just me, but it feels weird. I don’t have any STD’s and I’m not looking to get her pregnant. The truth is I hate condoms because I’m a lot larger than average.
There is a part of me that thinks her wanting me to wear a rubber is a sign of cheating. Should I be worried?
You’ve got an interesting dilemma and I have a feeling a lot of guys reading your note can relate in some way. According to most of the published research, men (particularly younger guys) don’t like wearing condoms.
Given that the two of you have been together for a year, I can imagine that it probably does feel odd to reach for latex given everything.
That said, there are a number of reasons that she may be asking you to roll one on that has nothing to do with cheating. Id’ like to encourage you to step outside of yourself and consider follows. Man, I’d hate to see your relationship collapse over this issue, so indulge me, ok?
First, it is entirely possible that she wants you to wear a condom because she’s fearful of pregnancy. While I understand you wouldn’t release in her without permission, accidents can and do happen. Even the most careful of couples can bump into problems.
The hard truth is (no pun intended) that ejaculate can escape from your manhood without your knowing. Specifically, I’m talking and pre-ejaculate. While rare, women have reported becoming pregnant from this manly fluid. Not to get into your business but if you are a dude with a lot of pre-ejaculate, she may have noticed this and became concerned. No offense, but your size probably has nothing to do with it.
And here is the thing – no matter how much you try, you can’t control this fluid from escaping your d—-k. Yes, I know a lot of guys take pride in bragging they can “hold their own” but that is a bunch of nonsense. All of us “leak” and it is a normal part of being a man.
Related: My girlfriend won’t initiate.
Another possibility for her wanting you to use a rubber relates to concerns about STD’s. You didn’t mention this in your email, so I am just going to ask. Have you talked about STI’s? In other words, have you ever had something and if so, did you disclose? Conversely, what about her?
One of the most difficult conversations a couple can have is about STD histories. Let’s face it – these aren’t exactly dinner topics. Still, they are important to discuss for personal health reasons.
If you haven’t had this discussion, maybe it’s you do? I know a lot of women – and men – who insist on the use of rubbers until the “STD talk” occurs.
Who knows, she may very well be OK with you not wearing latex after discussing. But you’ll never know until you ask, right?
On the wider front, it is possible that there is a trust issue happening. You may be wondering what I’m talking about. Well, it’s like this – could it be that she is worried about you cheating?
I know many women who, even in a committed relationship, require their man to slip on latex. There are two main reasons for this. 1) They have been cheated on before and; 2) They hold suspicions of infidelity about their boyfriend.
Obviously, I don’t know your situation or the special dynamics of your relationship. But if she has voiced her concerns about cheating in the past, this could be a clue about the whole rubber thing.
All of this leads us to my over-arching point here. You both need to have an honest conversation about intercourse.
While you didn’t say it, my sense is this is a conversation the both of you are avoiding. There could be lots of reasons as to why, including concerns about trust and being vulnerable. But it is far better to dialogue about this now instead of down the road.
In my experience, trust issues have a way of metastasizing over the course of time. If left unchecked, they tend to grow until eventually, they consume the relationship. It is at this point many romances end.
Finally, I’ll say this. Yes, it is possible that she is cheating on you. But honestly, you really can’t look at this condom thing make assumptions. Most guys can intuit infidelity based on a variety of behaviors, ya know?
If you really think she’s getting it on with another guy, why not have an open and transparent conversation about your concerns?
Look, I’m not saying this will be easy. There is the possibility that she will share something you won’t want to hear. On the flipside, you may have to fess up to something you thought was a secret.
But don’t you think it’s best to get it all out there now?
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