Feeling unsure about that first time kiss? Here’s some tips.
Every now and then, we get questions sent in from visitors of the blog on various dating topics. Here’s one that perhaps you can relate to?
His Question
Hi Dating Guru,
I’ve been spending time with this girl for the past few weeks. After meeting through mutual friends, we started chatting on Facebook. We seem compatible on many levels.
So, here’s the problem. Recently, she started hinting around about “the first kiss”.
What’s freaking me a bit is that I’ve been losing my confidence in this area. I’m worried that if I do it the wrong way, she might move on.
Any tips for a first kiss? Just need some practical advice-
– Nervous kisser
Quick Answer
Hi, Nervous kisser.
Right off the bat, you need to know that feeling anxious about that all important first kiss is very normal. If you ask most women, they’ll tell you that how a first kiss goes is key to anything else happening.
For what it’s worth – a lot of guys feel this way too.
But my sense is your question isn’t really about the mechanics making out. Instead, it seems like you need help on the self-confidence front.
Let’s be real. If you want to learn how to execute the first kiss, there are tons of resources on this. But just in case, I’m going to include a video below as a walk-through.
Kissing and confidence
As mentioned earlier, before executing any kiss, you’ve got to feel confident inside. And that’s exactly what I’m going to help you do – feel stronger so that you can give her a kiss blows her doors off.
All of this begins with spending time in mindful meditation. No need make it an all-day event. I’m talking 10 minutes tops. If you’ve never meditated before, it might help to start off with something easy, like a body scan.
Kissing and the mind
What a lot of guys (and gals) don’t know is that much of the “magic” that happens with a first kiss occurs on the psychological level.
In other words, the instant bond two people share upon locking is largely based in the mind.
For some folks, tapping into that connection is all that’s needed to empower the moment. But for other people, initiating intimacy is problematic.
You may be wondering why?
I’ll be straight up with you. Because some guys struggle with self-esteem, they often don’t see themselves as attractive. In turn, they choke when it comes time to step up to the plate.
To make matters worse, this lack of confidence begins to feed on itself, paradoxically robbing the man of his ability to do other things (hint).
Want to hear something sad?
I’ve actually known guys who are able to get passed the first kiss (and do well at it). But because of deeply entrenched self-confidence problems, they won’t allow themselves to do more.
Yes – I am talking about sexy-time.
It’s all related. Maybe this is true for you, too?
So, before you do anything else, you’ve got to start working on your self-esteem. This means believing that you are handsome. On top of that, you’ve also got to trust that she finds you physically attractive.
Make sense? So, the first bit of wisdom I’ll impart is this:
Give yourself permission to believe you are a good-looking man.
Now I’m going to help connect all the dots so that words transform into beliefs – followed by action. All I ask is that you read what follows with an open mind.
Creative visualization
When you are ready, find a quiet place in your home. Close your eyes. Let go of any thoughts that may be present. Keep doing this until you see nothing but darkness.
Once this happens, project a point of red light into the blackness. As you focus your awareness on this dot, allow it to transform into the image of the girl you are interested in.
Stay with that imagery for a few moments. Allow yourself to become aware of her physical presence.
As you see her in the distance, ask yourself, what am I aware of? What color is her hair? What does her skin look like? Can I smell her perfume?
I want her to surround all of your senses. As you do this, repeat the following in your mind.
I am an attractive man. She wants me. I’m going to kiss her like a pro.
Repeat this several times – even if you have trouble believing it at first.
Once you are ready, envision yourself walking up to her. Then, place your hands on her shoulders. Slowly lean into her while slightly tilting your head.
When the moment feels right, kiss her.
If a surge of passion rushes through your body, don’t fight it. Allow yourself to feel the moment; meaning her body pressing against hers.
Let your mind take you to what follows next. This could be cupping her chin, engaging in open mouth or gentle petting. The important thing is to go with whatever unfolds.
Now, repeat the first part of the mantra.
I am an attractive man.
At the end of the kiss, allow yourself to step back from her. Pause for a moment. Then, slowly move back until her image begins to fade. At some point, her body will transform back into a red beam of light.
Once you have opened your eyes and acclimate yourself back to reality, take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. This may take a few moments.
I can’t tell you how many times you will need to conduct the guided imagery exercise above. Each person is different. What I can say is that by changing out the negative tape that plays in your mind to something more positive, it can go a long way with creating meaningful change.
As an aside, here are a couple of other quick points about a first kiss that needs to be stated. None of these have to do with confidence mind you. Instead, it’s just bro-talk.
Take it for what it’s worth.
First, don’t say “thanks” after making out. It just comes off as silly. Second, no matter how bad she kisses, always compliment her. A simple: Wow, you are a great kisser will do just fine.
To keep it real, nobody wants to hear they are a lousy kisser (even if they are). Know what I mean?
The last point of wisdom I’ll leave you with is this: Two people either have chemistry or they don’t. Just because a duo shares a mutual attraction (even a strong one), it doesn’t always mean they will “click”.
If it turns out like this, don’t get down on yourself. Otherwise, you are just damaging your self-esteem by blaming yourself for something that’s simply not meant to be.
Think you could use some dating tips? Email the Dating Guru at askus@guycounseling.com
