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Self-Esteem and Men
One of the most common reasons men seek therapy is to get help with
self-esteem.
As a counselor, I can tell you that this issue comes up frequently in sessions.
You may be wondering why. The answer is fairly simple.
Many guys would rather talk about almost anything other than how they feel. It is not necessarily because they do not want to. Our culture has long taught men that “real men” should not talk about self-worth, sadness, fear, or insecurity.
Chalk it up to toxic masculinity or outdated ideas about what it means to be manly. The result is often the same: men stay quiet about how they see themselves and what they are carrying inside.
That is a shame. Research suggests that a significant number of men in the United States struggle with depression, and the true number may be even higher because many never seek help.
Before getting ahead of ourselves, it may be helpful to start with a basic definition of self-esteem through the lens of men.
What Is Self-Esteem?
At its core, self-esteem is a person’s emotional evaluation of his own worth. It reflects how a man views his abilities, value, identity, and place in the world.
Self-esteem can be influenced by many factors, including past experiences, relationships, family messages, culture, personal expectations, and comparisons with others.
Men’s Self-Esteem Destroyers
Many pages on the internet talk about how men can
increase self-esteem.
That is helpful. Goodness knows we need more of those resources.
But here is the thing.
Far fewer articles speak directly to the behaviors men engage in that quietly damage self-worth. In fact, that is what inspired me to write this piece.
What follows are 10 things guys do that chip away at self-esteem. Some may seem obvious. Others may cause you to pause and think.
I encourage you to consider each one in the context of your own life.
Let’s jump right in.
1. Buying Into Toxic Masculinity
Right out of the gate, I am mentioning this one because it is a major destroyer of self-esteem.
Whenever you program your mind to believe that men “must” behave a certain way, you place a chokehold on your own self-worth.
Examples include:
- Believing guys should not talk about how they feel.
- Thinking you are not a man because you experience periods of self-doubt.
- Assuming real men do not experience sadness, shame, anxiety, or depression.
2. Relying on Alcohol as a Social Lubricant
I am not knocking alcohol. Having a few drinks occasionally can be enjoyable. The problem begins when men rely on alcohol to socialize with others.
The difficult part is that repeated reliance can gradually turn into misuse or addiction. When that happens, a new set of problems can arise.
Examples include:
- Depending on alcohol to interact with friends.
- Needing several drinks before going on a date.
- Regularly drinking before sex or physical intimacy.
3. Clamming Up
I mentioned this earlier, but it is worth reinforcing. Guys are often taught to clamp down when it comes to their emotions. While there are generational differences, men as a group still struggle in this area.
Things can become worse when we surround ourselves with people who do the same.
Here, I am talking about friendships in which nobody feels comfortable discussing anything real.
Examples include:
- Experiencing a major loss and pretending it does not affect you.
- Minimizing past injuries, including physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- Always using humor as a shield against what is happening deep inside.
4. Playing Negative Mental Tapes
One of the first things I encourage men to do when examining self-worth is to assess their mental tapes. You may be wondering what that means.
Simply put, a mental tape is an internal message you play repeatedly in your mind. Sometimes the tape is healthy. Other times it is toxic.
When the tape is ugly, those thoughts can act like battery acid, gradually eroding your self-concept. Over time, this can contribute to depression, anxiety, shame, and loneliness.
Examples include:
- “I have always been terrible at interviews. Why would this time be any different?”
- “Who would want to be with me? I have nothing to offer.”
- “I hate myself because…”
5. Ignoring Body Image Issues
One of the best-kept secrets among men is how many struggle with
body image issues.
Women are generally given more cultural permission to discuss these concerns openly.
Men, however, are often taught to stay silent.
Many guys believe that talking about dissatisfaction with their appearance somehow makes them less masculine. That belief is nonsense, but it remains common.
Examples include:
- Avoiding the gym because you think you are “too fat” to be around people who look more athletic.
- Believing that being a man requires a six-pack and oversized arms.
- Unfairly comparing your physique with men who have completely
different body types.
6. Denying Mental Health Concerns
Mental health stigma has existed for generations. For some reason, it remains especially powerful among men.
Some of this likely connects back to toxic masculinity. How many guys have heard the message that “real men do not get depressed”?
The truth is that many men struggle with mental health concerns. When those concerns go unaddressed, they can take a serious toll on self-esteem.
Examples include:
- Refusing to seek help for depression because “guys do not do that.”
- Pretending your anxiety is not real and believing you should be able to handle it alone.
- Treating mental health concerns as evidence of weakness or personal failure.
7. Giving In to Learned Helplessness
This one may take a moment to absorb, but it will likely make sense after some reflection.
Learned helplessness is a term used to describe a pattern in which a person begins to believe that nothing he does will improve his situation. The past then becomes a kind of prison.
When you buy into learned helplessness, you fall into the trap of inaction and remain stuck.
Examples include:
- Refusing to exercise because a previous effort did not produce quick results, even though you only gave it a limited try.
- Avoiding new skills because you failed at something similar in the past.
- Never trying anything new because you have already decided you will fail based on something that happened before.
8. Isolating Yourself
A major way men worsen feelings of low self-worth is through isolation. Here, I am talking about avoiding others because you do not want people to see how badly you feel.
Isolation has a way of perpetuating itself. Over time, it can cause a man to withdraw from important relationships and become increasingly disconnected.
Ongoing isolation can also lead to or worsen depression. When you combine it with the negative mental tapes discussed earlier, it becomes easy to see how self-esteem can spiral downward.
9. Relying Too Heavily on Marijuana
Let me come right out and say that I do not have an issue with marijuana use in general. If I had a magic wand, I would legalize it everywhere because too many men have faced serious consequences for past recreational use.
That said, there is a difference between use and abuse.
Abuse happens when you rely on marijuana to get through the day. Dependence may be present when you feel unable to function without it.
Heavy or frequent marijuana use can increase anxiety, paranoia, low motivation, or emotional avoidance in some people.
If you are using marijuana primarily to socialize, numb yourself, or escape serious emotional pain, it may be damaging your self-esteem rather than helping you cope.
10. Blaming Others
If you struggle with self-worth, it can be easy to blame other people for the painful things that have happened in your life.
But here is the truth: blaming others will only take you so far.
One of the
core principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,
or ACT, is learning to make room for painful experiences without allowing them to dictate every decision we make.
I am not suggesting that you should ignore what happened or pretend it did not matter. I am also not pressuring you to forgive someone before you are ready.
Instead, I am suggesting that you acknowledge the painful things that happened while also taking responsibility for the choices you make in the present.
I admit that this is not easy. It may require engaging in different
forms of mindful living
or seeking support from someone you trust.
But if you remain trapped in the blame game, you may stay stuck in the same negative patterns.
Final Thoughts
Your self-concept reflects the beliefs and perceptions you hold about yourself. What you carry inside often shows up in what you think, say, and do.
If you recognize yourself in some of the behaviors described above, do not use that realization as another reason to attack yourself. Treat it as useful information.
Self-esteem can be rebuilt through honest reflection, healthier choices, supportive relationships, and, when needed, professional help.
Addressing these issues does not make a man weak. It takes courage to examine the patterns that are holding you back and begin changing them.
That includes you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes low self-esteem in men?
Low self-esteem in men can be influenced by criticism, trauma, rejection, body image concerns, relationship problems, social comparison, mental health challenges, and rigid expectations about masculinity.
Can men rebuild their self-esteem?
Yes. Self-esteem can improve through healthier self-talk, realistic goals, supportive relationships, meaningful activity, emotional honesty, and professional help when needed.
Why do some men isolate when they feel bad about themselves?
Some men isolate because they feel ashamed, fear judgment, or believe they should handle problems alone. Unfortunately, isolation often reinforces negative thinking and makes recovery harder.
When should a man seek help for low self-esteem?
A man should consider seeking help when low self-worth contributes to depression, anxiety, substance misuse, relationship problems, self-neglect, or difficulty functioning in daily life.
References:
Spence, J. T., Helmreich, R., & Stapp, J. (1975). Ratings of self and peers on sex role attributes and their relation to self-esteem and conceptions of masculinity and femininity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 32(1), 29–39.
http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0076857
