What the phrase really means?
There was a joke going on recently with space shuttle launch and the first woman in space. It went something like this:
“Houston, we have a problem.”
What is the problem?
Please tell us.
“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
All of us have faced a similar problem one way or the other when talking to girls. Understanding what is behind those words is crucial in figuring out the emotional state of the girl. And if you can go past the words and dig deeper, you will truly understand what the words mean.
So here are 7 most typical phrases a girl says, what they mean and how to actually deal with each and every single one of them effectively:
There is a paragraph from a book called The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss that goes like this:
“What’s wrong?”, I ask.
“Nothing always means something. I’m open to talking about it.”
“I’m fine, really. “She unpacks her toiletries and brings them into the bathroom. A gentle frost accompanies the breeze of her every movement.
“Fine stands for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.”
She is unamused. “It’s disrespectful to keep texting girls when you’re with me,” she snaps.
What “Fine” actually means:
Okay, so fine actually means that things aren’t fine. And you probably know this already. But the deeper meaning of the word fine is that it means that there is an underlying need that is not being met.
With the example above, fine means that you with your actions and/or behaviors somehow violate her emotional needs. And if you press for the matter hard enough, you will hear the problem articulated loud and clear like in the example above where she said: “It’s disrespectful to keep texting girls when you’re with me.”
How to deal with “Fine”:
“So I need to choose my next words carefully and with maturity if I want the experience to go well. Because it’s not just about a couple of weeks, it’s about my future. “I was texting to make arrangements with the girls who are coming to stay with us,” I tell her. “But from now on, unless we’re making plans for that day, let’s all try to ignore the phone when we’re together so we can be in the moment with each other.”
She nods and smiles, content with the diplomacy. I used to think that a good relationship meant always getting along. But the secret, I realize, is that when one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego state. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent, that’s when all the forces of relationship drama and destruction are unleashed.
I share this with Veronika and teach her about the different ego states. Soon, we’re connected again. “I’m already learning things from being here, and that’s why I came,” she says happily.”
The way we deal with Fine is by staying cool and level-headed. Problem with Fine occurs from emotional need and if you respond to with emotions, it definitely won’t go well.
So just stay level-headed and try to summarise what the problem is from her perspective. When you get a head nod from her or the words “that’s right”, then you can proceed to tell her what you will do.
The Fine problem is actually a great way to show her how cool of a guy you are. You just need to turn this high-pressure situation into an opportunity for you.
2. I’m not mad
This is regular one that we get and it has two different meanings.
What “I’m not mad” means:
The first is when the sentence “I’m not mad.” stands alone. If it does stand alone, it means that the girl is genuinely not mad. This occurs in less than 1% of instances and most of us are not familiar with this meaning.
But the other one is the bastard. When you hear “I’m not mad.” accompanied by any other word after it, it means that she is mad.
“I’m not mad but…”
“I’m not mad. It’ just…”
“I’m not mad. You can do…”
How to deal with “I’m not mad”:
You need to talk this through and can’t let it slide. Because it will keep repeating itself. To deal with “I’m not mad” you need to keep asking questions and again, try to understand where the anger is coming from. You will read about the understanding a lot in this article. That is because all of these problems are emotionally caused and that means that there is a misunderstanding about the emotional needs of one of the partners in the relationship.
So you need to ask and ask questions to understand where the “I’m not mad is coming from.” From my experience, it stems from the behavior shown by her previous boyfriends or father figures which did the same thing but later on misused her trust.
So you need to find out why this specific behavior or wording is problematic. When you understand the problem behind it, you can either correct your behavior/wording or state that you will keep up with the behavior but by making sure that you won’t misuse her trust in any sort of way.
The usual examples of this might be the division of house chores, meeting people of different sex or staying late at work.
Again, a word that has exactly two different meanings that we will explore now.
What “Maybe” actually means:
It can mean no or never in your life. “Maybe” means no and never when it’s an answer to a question. And here are two examples:
“What do you think about a threesome?”
“How about a massage from you?”
“Maybe” has one more meaning which is quite tricky. When your girlfriend tells you a maybe as a proposal, it means that she really wants to do it.
“Maybe we could go to my parents next weekend?”
“Maybe we can take a walk by the river next time?”
How to deal with “Maybe”:
What these two sentences actually mean.
“Honey, I would really like us to go to my parent’s place next weekend. And I want you to notice my need/desire/want for that.”
“I don’t like driving around with the car/bus/train/bike. I would really love for us to take a nice long walk by the river where we can have a more intimate atmosphere and talk about us.”
Beware of “Maybe.” If you hear it come out of her mouth, think of that as something that you two should definitely do.
4. Where are you
This is not a simple location question as we will discover right now
What “Where are you” actually means:
“Where are you” can mean a couple of different things. If you are with her, but you are spaced out, she will ask you “Where are you” which means “Why don’t you pay attention to me?” or “What is more important now then me and us?”
“Where are you” over the phone can be a way dangerous one. Over the phone, it means that she is a bit insecure and she is checking out where you actually are, how many people are there with you and who is there with you. She is assessing people who could potentially make you do something stupid like cheat or just get drunk and end up in a bar fight.
How to deal with “Where are you”:
Again, this comes to the underlying emotional need of your girlfriend. You need to understand where this is coming from and in my experience, it’s usually from her insecurity about something. She can be worried about you being in the bar without her, drinking with your buddies because her last boyfriend cheated on her in the exact same situation.
When you understand (again the understanding part) where it’s coming from, you can talk about it and make sure that you understand her and where she comes from. Then you can either change your behavior her or just tell her what you will do that night so that she is not worried about you.
If you do this a couple of times, the insecurities will be long gone because you will show that there is nothing to worry about.
5. Who is she
“Who is she” is the epitome of jealousy and insecurity
What “Who is she” actually means:
She is insecure about your female friends or new coworkers and she needs her entire background + picture to make sure that she is not a threat.
How to deal with “Who is she”:
Again, it comes to understanding where this comes from. When you hear “Who is she”, you need to reassure your girlfriend that she is the only girl in your life and that she is safe in your relationship.
If she feels safe and knows (emotionally) that you care for her, then other girls won’t be that big of a deal.
Beware that other girls will always pose a certain threat to her and that you will get this question no matter how secure she is in the relationship. As someone with many female friends, this is a question I get asked always no matter how safe, cared and nurtured they feel with me.
Also, if you know that a certain female friend will keep popping up in your life, mention it early to your girlfriend and make her familiar (use her first name etc.)
This is the marijuana of emotional problems – it is not a problem by itself but can lead to catastrophic effects if paired up with a bigger emotional problem.
What “Nothing” actually means:
Nothing is simply a gateway. It means that there is something hidden behind and that you need to stop whatever you are doing and figure out what that “Nothing” actually means (hint: It’s always something).
How to deal with “Nothing”:
Never, ever ignore a “Nothing.” Because it’s always something and you need to start asking questions to figure out what is behind the nothing.
Usually, you will hear something like “Fine” or “I’m not mad” or “You always do that” after you have asked enough questions. “Nothing” by itself is not dangerous, but beware about the deeper problems that lie behind it.
7. You always do that
And last but not least “You always do that.”
What “You always do that” actually means:
When you fail to address “Nothing” in the past, that’s when you, most of the times, get “You always do that.”
Earlier problems that go just “Fine”, spark a “You always do that” later on. This means that you didn’t unwrap the emotional problems earlier in the relationship and now the debt has to be paid.
How to deal with “You always do that”:
This is the only that can’t be fixed in an instant. This means that there was something wrong from the beginning of the relationship and it came up to the surface just now.
That means that there was no more place beneath the surface to hide so it came up. Which means that you need so much time to unpack this and change the behavior/wording that has been a problem ever since the beginning of the relationship.
Still, don’t despair. You can solve the problem of “You always do that” by figuring out what is the problem and dealing with it. But you need to fix your communication so that this one doesn’t occur in the future.
And these were the 7 most common phrases we hear from our girls and ways how to unpack and deal with them.
Next time you hear phrases like “Fine, I’m not mad, Maybe, Where are you, Who is she, Nothing and You always do that”, you will know how to respond.