What to do if your girlfriend is obsessed with social media
His Question:
Dear Jack,
Let me start out by saying – my girlfriend is great. She’s smoking hot and she’s really down to earth and sweet…when she’s not glued to her damn phone.
She’s got a solid following between Instagram and TikTok, and she’s constantly checking her numbers, replying to comments, and filming little clips for her Stories. She’s not an influencer or anything, she just really likes the attention.
Sometimes, when we’re together I feel like she’s not even listening to me. That little buzz every time a notification comes in is starting to drive me crazy and put a real damper on our relationship. Is there a way I can get her to spend less time on social media and more time with me?
Can you help me?
-Insta-boyfriend
The Answer
Hey there Insta-boyfriend,
Let me see if I’ve got the gist of your dilemma. It sounds like your girlfriend’s got a nasty case of FOMO – fear of missing out. She just can’t seem to shake that nagging worry that something important is happening in her digital world, so she’s always checking her phone.
She’s also getting a steady stream of attention from followers, and that can be quite intoxicating. Every like, comment, and view floods her brain with small hits of dopamine, and TikTok in particular is built to keep that feed going – it’s engineered around an endless scroll and a recommendation algorithm that’s frankly better at holding attention than almost anything else out there.
Researchers who study social media have found that positive social feedback – likes, comments, that kind of validation – lights up the same reward circuitry in the brain as other genuinely pleasurable experiences. That’s not a character flaw on her part. That’s just how the apps are built.
Have you read any of her DMs?
Wait, don’t answer that. Don’t read her DMs. It’ll just make you feel worse.
Guys can be total pervs on social media, and most girls just ignore the static anyway. So, you probably have nothing to worry about there. You just need her to spend more time with you and make you feel like the star player on the team, not just another notification competing with the thousands of followers she has online. Am I right?
So, let’s find some solutions. First, let’s try to loosen her grip on that smartphone a bit. Most people interact with social media almost entirely through their phone, and that makes it way too easy for your girlfriend to pop in and out all day long to check her stats.
You might be able to convince her to try a slight digital detox. Ask her to turn off notifications for likes and comments, so she isn’t getting pulled back in every few minutes. Most phones now have built-in screen time tools that show exactly how many hours a day are going to each app – sometimes just seeing the number is enough to make someone want to cut back on their own.
Another way to get her back in the game is to put both of your phones in another room during your “special” time. That way, nothing can get in the way of you getting more attention. Don’t cuddle in bed while she scrolls through her feed.
That’s important time for your bonding. So, no phones in bed.
I think you should avoid making too many hard and fast rules about the phone, though. She’s probably just going to roll her eyes and keep scrolling. You don’t want to alienate her. That’s the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve here.
There’s a real phenomenon called “nomophobia” – the anxiety people feel when they’re separated from their phone. It’s a well-documented thing at this point, and it’s worth knowing about, but I won’t go deep into the research here.
The point is, you don’t want to cause your girlfriend any unwanted stress by restricting her phone usage. Instead, lead by example. At least try that first before you break out the rule book. When you go out to eat, make a big show of putting your phone away completely – not face-down on the table, actually away. Encourage her to do the same.
When it’s time to watch something together, toss your phone across the room in a dramatic display of indifference.
If she’s smart, she’ll pick up on the subtle hints.
I hate to break it to you though – even without her phone in hand, your girlfriend might still get that glazed look in her eyes as she thinks about what’s going on in her digital life.
This could have real consequences for your relationship. If you don’t help her to truly live in the moment, she might even resent you for pulling her away from something that genuinely makes her feel good.
Related: My girlfriend cheated on me
I know it can be hard to compete with that level of social interaction, but you need to give her more attention to reduce her FOMO. To do that, you’ve gotta cut back on the boring, traditional date nights.
Avoid dates where you just sit across from each other in a restaurant, or sit idly watching a movie while you stuff your face with popcorn. That’s not gonna cut it anymore.
You need to find activities that keep her focused on the moment at hand. I had a friend in a similar situation. His girlfriend ran a fairly popular fitness page, and she was pretty obsessive about keeping up with her followers.
So, my buddy signed them both up for a painting class. They went twice a week to a studio in their neighborhood and they both really enjoyed it. You might consider trying something similar with your girlfriend.
And here’s an important one: try not to belittle her social media presence. Her online life is genuinely important to her, and you’ll only make things worse if you start calling her posts a waste of time.
Show her that you are MORE important. That’s the key to getting your Insta-girlfriend off her timeline and getting more facetime in the real world. You won’t get what you want from negativity. You’ll win with spontaneity and by showing up with real attention.
I hope this helps you create a stronger bond with your girlfriend, and I’d love to hear how things turn out. Give me a shout when you get a chance. Thanks for sending in your question, too. I’m sure a lot of guys deal with this same issue and could use some tips.
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