Writing a love letter takes advance work
Hunting for information on how to write a love letter? Hoping to pen something romantic that doesn’t come off too cheesy?
If the answer is yes, you wouldn’t be alone. I can’t tell you how many times men have walked into my counseling office asking for advice on this topic.
Let’s be real – as guys, talking (or writing) about our feelings isn’t something we typically do.
There are tons of reasons for this but it’s mostly cultural norms that act as barriers to communication. Plus, as a tribe, men aren’t all that comfortable being vulnerable.
But here is what you need to know:
Writing a love letter is one of the most powerful things you can ever do to win over a mate’s heart.
There was a time when men wrote love letters all time. But the practice has faded over the years – thanks to email and text messaging.
Think about it – when is the last time you opened an envelope containing a handwritten note?
Probably a long time, right?
And so, guys – that is what this piece is all about. To teach you how to author a real love letter that isn’t some fake BS you grabbed from the web.
In this article, you will learn:
- The definition of a love letter.
- Why you should write a love letter.
- The importance of understanding your mental frame
- How to identify your love style.
- 7 tips for writing your note.
- Video from a love-struck WWI soldier.
What is a love letter?
In simple terms, a love letter is something a person writes to express deeply held, intimate feelings in written form.
While such notes can be electronic, they have historically been created using pen and paper. Length sizes vary from super short to very long. Much depends on the author and the relationship to the recipient of the note.
Why write a love letter?
As we dive deep into this topic, it makes sense to question the purpose of a love letter. In other words, why write one?
Well, I could bore you with a bunch of flowery nonsense but instead, I’m going to reach for psychology.
It’s like this:
- Women typically express their feelings in close relationships through the spoken and written word (Jackson, Ervin, Gardner, & Schmitt, 2001).
- Men tend to expressed feelings through action (doing).
- A well-written love letter helps bridge the gap between romantic feelings and a physical attraction.
- An authentic letter written from your heart transforms the abstract (love) into something concrete and memorializes your feelings for eternity.
- Penning a love letter gives you the chance to mindfully reflect upon your feelings and identify what’s happening deep inside.
- Your mate can never say she feels ignored because love letters are the ultimate reminder of a shared bond.
When to write a love letter?
Some guys want to know when is the best time to write a love letter. In my experience, there really isn’t a “right” time.
That said, you are more likely to author something during the initial phase of your relationship when the romantic connection is strong.
In the academic sense, this is known as the intensifying stage (Tolhuizen, 1984). Think of this as a kind of honeymoon period; a point in time where both of you have both agreed to become mutually exclusive.
During intensification, the physical connection is high while the emotional bond continues to grow.
But here is what I want to point out.
Love letters are most effective after intensification.
That is because the notes themselves help to maintain the relationship – particularly after the attraction starts to fade.
So for what it is worth – don’t confine yourself to penning something as a way to get into her heart. Instead, think of your note as a way of staying in her heart.
Identifying your love style
A critical aspect to consider before putting pen to paper is understanding your love style.
You may be wondering what I’m talking about?
A love style is an approach to bonding that was conceptualized by John A. Lee in his book, Colours of Love (See Amazon). He postulated there are six primary types of love.
Here is a quick breakdown:
Lee's Love StylesKnowing your love style and that of your mate can help with writing your letter
|Romance||Primary style||This style of love is commonly seen in romantic movies. Also called "love at first sight", there is usually a very strong physical attraction combined with an emotional connection.|
|Game-playing love||Primary style||Ludos lovers see love as a game to be won and have multiple partners. Fun is the emphasis but the length of the relationship is usually short.|
|Friendship based||Primary||This style of love generally grows slow and is based on a place of friendship. Similar interests and a commitment are emphasized rather than passion.|
|Being selfless||Eros + Storge||Storge lovers are willing to do (and sacrifice) anything for a partner. Their love is based on a rock-solid commitment and unconditional, selfless love.|
|Obsessive||Ludos + Eros||Possessive lovers that become jealous and controlling. Usually, person with this love style has low self-esteem.|
|Practical||Ludos + Storge||Practical type of love Many power couples have this approach to relationships.|
Before continuing, let me clearly state it is possible to have a combination of love styles. Lee’s work shouldn’t be viewed literally. Instead, think of them as a framework for inspiration.
In this way, knowing your love style can help to inform how to write your letter. In short, that’s how you’ll pen something real.
For example, if you have an Eros dynamic, it may help to lean on this knowledge and mention how beautiful some aspect of her body is.
However, if your love style is more companion-based because you have been together for awhile, it makes sense to talk more about the emotional aspects of your bond.
Conversely, if your relationship is practical in nature – which is often characteristic of a long-term couple – you’ll want to talk about how certain needs are met.
That’s why it helps to mindfully reflect on what you and your mate share.
7 Tips for Writing Your Love Letter
Once you have zoned in on your feelings, it’s time to touch pen to paper. Adapt what follows to your personal situation. .
1. Consider the type of paper and pen you will use
It may not seem important but the writing utensil you choose will have an impact on the quality of your letter. The same holds true for the type of paper the note is written on.
- Avoid pens that bleed. Instead, opt for something like a ballpoint.
- Use white or parched paper, preferably something made of heavy stock. Some guys like using vintage stationery.
- An envelope is optional however, they can come in handy when placing the letter in a purse or propping up on a nightstand.
- Writing your mate’s name on the envelope adds something special to the experience.
2. Write in a quiet place
This point may seem like a no-brainer but it is worth mentioning. When you write your letter, do it in a quiet place, free of distractions.
- Turn off your smartphone.
- Make sure music is kept to a minimum.
- Write in a place that has a firm surface, like a desk or table.
- Meditate for a few moments to clear your mind of extraneous debris.
- Some people find it helpful to have a photo of the person they are writing to nearby. This helps to strengthen the mental connection.
3. Identify what you are feeling
As you begin writing your letter, keep to the forefront of your mind what you are feeling. Know this will help guide your note in a powerful way.
Here are some examples:
- As I was thinking about your smile today and it reminded me of how much I love you. The truth is, I don’t say these words to you nearly enough.
- When we made love last night, it occurred to me how deeply in love I am with you. The problem is, I’m not the best at telling you this. Hence, I’m writing this letter.
- I can’t help but smile when I think about how great you are with the kids. I love you so much for being such a great mom. In fact, think of you with our kids inspired me to write this letter.
- Whenever I look into your eyes, I fall in love all over again.
4. Talk about specifics
Using platitudes really isn’t going to cut it when you write a love note. Women can see right through that. Instead, you’ll want to talk about specifics.
In other words, answer the question: What are the things that you love about your mate?
Here are some quick examples:
- I love the smell of your hair.
- When I touch your soft skin, it drives me nuts.
- I love the way you giggle when we spoon.
- When I’m having a crappy day, your smile makes everything better.
- Your laugh is contagious – I love that about you.
- When I’m up early in the morning and see you sleeping, it’s a beautiful memory that stays with me all day long.
5. Talk about how she has changed you
You don’t need to spend a lot of time on this area of the letter but it is important to mention it in some way. In truth, when we bond with someone, there is a transformation that takes place.
Here are some examples:
- Before meeting you I was so lonely. I can’t believe I’ve been gifted such an amazing woman.
- Your love has allowed me to be more relaxed. I never thought someone would have this kind of effect on me.
- Through your love, I’m better able to see what is important in life.
6. Talk about the future
In this part of your letter, you’ll want to reaffirm your commitment while speaking to the future. A simple sentence or two is really all that it takes.
An example might be: “My love for you has no limits. There is no future without you.” Another one might be: “I’m always going to be here for you – faithful and true.”
7. Lovingly sum things up
The last part of your note should be simple and succinct. It’s OK to be cute or draw something memorable– like a heart or smiley face.
The idea of the summary is to jot down a few sentences that weave together your motivations for writing the piece. It also reaffirms your love.
Love Letters Video
If you are looking for an example love letter, I’m including a video below that features a collection from a soldier in the trenches from World War I.
Take note of their simplicity, which has an endearing effect.
Where to leave a love letter?
Typically, a man will leave a love letter to a mate in the following ways:
- Slipping the note into her purse.
- Propping the letter on a nightstand.
- Placing the note on her shoes or toiletries.
- Mailing the letter if it’s a long-distance relationship.
The important thing to keep in mind is your love letter doesn’t need to be perfect. In fact, it’s the subtle imperfections that will make your piece authentic and meaningful.
The critical thing is to make sure that whatever you pen comes from your heart.
Some folks think love letters are a “Valentine’s Day thing”. I assure you they are not. You can pen something anytime you want. In fact, the most meaningful letters are the ones you deliver when they aren’t expected.
I hope you found the tips I’ve suggested useful. Thanks for stopping by.
Jackson, L., Ervin, K., Gardner, P., & Schmitt, N. (2001). Gender and the Internet: Women Communicating and Men Searching. Sex roles, 363-379.
Tolhuizen, J. H. (1984). Communication strategies for intensifying dating relationships: Identification, use, and structure. . Journal of personal and Social Psychologhy, 413-434.