A no BS way on how to flirt with a girl that works
A friend recently sent me an article that got a couple of hundred thousand hits and it was about flirting. I read the article and was appalled by what I’ve read.
It was total crap and not only that, it doesn’t work in the field! If you flirt like that, you will never ever get the girl.
I immediately remembered the times when I used to listen to advice like that, never get the girl and then wonder what is wrong with me. But no more. I am here to tell you that they were telling you bullshit and that they didn’t teach you how to flirt.
So if we are done with the Cosmo tips & tricks on how to flirt with a girl, let’s actually go into a real way how to flirt with a girl. And this was tested and proven in the field and has an entire scientific background behind so it’s not only “let me tell you my experience” advice. If you flirt like this, it will work for sure.
The article is divided into 10 lessons and every lesson has 3 parts:
What it means – when does this behavior occur and how it looks like
How to do it – tactics and step by step way of doing the behavior
Why it works – explains why the behavior you will do actually work
1. Flip the frame
What it means:
In the usual man to woman flirt, the guy is the one that needs to chase the girl and the girl is the reward. We should prove to the girl that we are worthy of her so she finally chooses us as worthy to be with her.
Well, this is kind of bullshit. Yes, women do choose us at the end, but in no way are they the reward. And flipping the frame is all about that. You make yourself the reward. You are a badass guy who traveled around the world, had tons of girlfriends and crazy experiences. You don’t have a job or a career, you have a calling. Something which draws your entire soul towards it and is the focus of your life.
Now, imagine all of that to be true for you (maybe it already is) and you are at this moment talking to the girl. Your value is so high that the entire frame is flipped and she is actually chasing you instead of the other way around. Now the flirt is totally different.
How to do it:
This is simple to do. You flip the frame by making her “qualify” herself to you in a flirt. You do this by asking questions like “You are gorgeous but so are many other girls here. Can you tell me 3 reasons why I should spend time with you but not any other girl here?”
If she even starts to answer the questions, she is trying to qualify herself to you and you are in a position of higher value. She thinks you are a great catch and she wants you.
Also, you can use what I like to call “girl” tactics here. You can invite her over for popcorns and a movie but only if she promises not to touch you. This sounds counter-intuitive but it works because you show her that she needs to work for you aka you are the reward here.
Why it works:
Because of evolutionary biology and psychology. When we were living in tribes, the way women tested your value aa man was behavioral. There was no excess of supplies or stuff around so the way they judged you were according to your behavior.
This was done for some 70-80 000 years and even though we no longer live in tribes, this still stuck around because our brains aren’t fast enough to adapt to the world today. Our brains still think we live in tribes so they behave like that. Make yourself a reward and they will love it.
2. You don’t take life seriously
What it means:
Life is easy when you accept that life is hard. And when you can look at your life and not take almost any of it seriously, you will be magnetically attractive. And it will make you flirt like a boss!
You will joke around with the things happening in your life and you won’t flinch when they are happening. When you flirt, you show her that your life is like a rollercoaster with great experiences and learning experiences but all of them are a part of life.
How to do it:
This is the second hardest thing to do on the list because you need to be confident in yourself and your ability to deal with anything life throws at you. You know, you need to able to look at life like it’s a game.
And here is a personal example how to do it. I was meeting with a friend and she brought along her sister and a couple of more friends who I didn’t know.
I just came from what was supposed to be a date but wasn’t. I thought it was a date but she told me at the end of the night that she has a long-term boyfriend. I immediately told her “You do know that this is a date.” And she just gave me that puzzled look, and lower her head in embarrassment.
I just laughed about it and walked that girl home. This was so funny to me that I just had to tell this story to my friend and her company.
And I did that, showing that I don’t really take life seriously and as a result, my friend’s sister got super interested in me. When we started dating, later on, she told me that she was instantly turned on and interested in me because of that “embarrassing” story.
Why it works:
The only constant in the today’s world is change. And the sole definition of confidence is the ability to deal with anything life throws at you. When you don’t take life seriously, it means that you are sure in yourself and that no matter what happens, you will figure it out.
This shows to the girl that you can lead through uncertainty and basically, that you push through anything life hits you with. It’s one of the most sought-after characteristics in a guy and when you flirt with the girl, use it.
3. Speak your mind
What it means:
Don’t tell the girl only what she wants to hear in a flirt. Speak your mind and be confident in yourself and your judgment. Don’t adjust your character and personality according to what she wants and likes. Be yourself and your own man because that is the thing she will be attracted to.
She doesn’t want a follower who will just tell her “Yes, ma’am.” She wants a man who will put his foot down from time to time. Sometimes that means you won’t get the girl, but that is like businesses with their target audience.
When you pick your audience, you automatically exclude a certain audience. You will love this because you will only attract the right caliber of girls, the ones you actually want.
How to do it:
“Where are we going tonight?”, the girl asks.
“Wherever you want to.”, he responds.
If you tell this to a girl, you lose her immediately.
When speaking your mind, talk about your passion or a field you are really interested in or knowledgeable. Even if she states a contrary opinion towards that, keep your foot down. Sometimes, the girls just test you to see if you will comply with their requests. And inside, they are praying that you don’t comply because they want a man, not a follower. Also, this creates a small tension in the flirt.
Talk about what you like and don’t change for anyone except for yourself. Also, girls love it when you state your opinion and don’t really care how the world and everyone around portrays that.
Why it works:
Almost all of the things on the list have a strong evolutionary biology and psychology background. And this one is not an exception.
If you spoke your mind in the tribal times and the tribe didn’t like that, they would expel you from the tribe. And when you are expelled, it means that you are certainly dead. You lose food, water and shelter and your days are numbered in the harsh wilderness.
So speaking your mind might lead to death. Imagine the courage of the guys who did it back then. Good. Now imagine the rewards they got when they actually took that risk and didn’t get expelled and you got your answer on why we did it.
4. Notice details
What it means:
This is something in a flirt which is the easiest to do but has a huge effect. Noticing details on the girl means paying attention to her. And when you notice something extraordinary on her (not her ass or boobs or generally “you are pretty”), she will love it.
Because girls are taking care of themselves sometimes for hours and they love when someone notices that. Luckily for you, most guys don’t. And you will immediately stick out of the crowd when you do it.
Just a side note. It is almost never something big that she changes about her. It’s something small, but just enough for you to see it if you pay attention. Look at hair color turning more light or more dark, different earrings, new jacket or blouse, whitening her teeth, new shoes etc.
How to do it:
This will take some practice from your side because you will need to be present. You achieve presence by meditating and being in the moment. Because when you are in the moment, you really notice things that you wouldn’t before. So if you practice meditation or any form of mindfulness, this will be super easy for you.
How to actually do it with a girl is super easy. Just use the number 3 from the list and speak your mind. Tell her “Are those new earrings. They really go along with your style.” or “The new jacket really shows your great line. Nice one!”
The complement or a statement just needs to be sincere and specific. Once a friend of mine spent a fortune on some Italian jacket and to me, it looked horrible so I told her that. She was pissed in the beginning, but she thanked me later for speaking my mind.
Why it works:
You are different than other guys. You don’t talk about how pretty she is, you talk about what makes her pretty. You do send the message of “I like that” but in a proper way.
If everyone just wants a hot girl, but you show attention to details, it means you appreciate more in a girl then simply her ass, boobs or a pretty face. You like her because of who she is. Use things like this in a flirt and see the unbelievable results by yourself.
5. Touch people
What it means:
There was once a research done on infants and the researchers wanted to see what would happen to children if they didn’t have anyone touch them. They had everything they needed, but nobody touched them. The experiment had to be stopped after 4 months because half of the babies died.
We people need to be touched and it’s one of our most basic needs. And this doesn’t apply only to flirt situations. Most of us never actually learn how to touch others nor how to be a person comfortable with our bodies so that we can express that with other people.
But if you can learn how to touch people (and I mean all people), you will have amazing results when it comes to flirting with girls.
How to do it:
How to flirt with a girl is about calibrating your touch or your kino, shortened from kinesthetic=body motion.
All the fuss about kino is actually not about touching others, but the scale we use it on. Kino is all about calibration, which means how much you should touch, who and where.
From the lightest and least dangerous one to the biggest, kino goes something like this:
handshake, pat on the shoulder, a light push, a hug from the side, a full hug, touching hands, touching above hips, holding hands, kissing and so on and so on.
I have kept it only at the basic ones here, the ones you use the most in everyday interactions.
There is one difference with interaction with the same and different sex that you need to remember. If you are a guy and you flirt with a girl, stand directly in front of her. Same applies vice-versa. If you are a guy and you flirt with a guy, stand sideways of him. Same applies vice-versa.
When you stand in front of someone, you take an active confrontational body language and the same sex as you will react defensive or aggressive on that. But the other sex will react openly towards that. You can use kino often in a flirt, but just make sure that it’s calibrated.
By that I mean the following: You are just meeting another guy – do you go for a hug or for a handshake? Most of the times a handshake (depends from the culture and social circle). Some guys never hug and some guys only hug. We will talk about this more in the social savvy part.
Why it works:
Body language is simply an external representation of our emotional (internal) state. So we communicate with our bodies, whether we liked it or not. And even more, our body language and touch count to 55% of the communication the other side understands. So it’s not about the words in a flirt, it’s how you express them with your body (and tonality).
6. Make strong eye contact
What it means:
When you look people in the eyes, it means that you are sure of yourself and sure about what you are saying. When you flirt and look her in the eyes, you are nonreactive to anything she throws at you.
You just told something and looked her in the eyes with a conviction of Spanish inquisitor, being sure about yourself and what you just said.
Use this practice not only to flirt but generally in life. People who avoid contact are perceived as people who are nervous, have something to hide and don’t believe in things they say. So avoid that like the plague.
How to do it:
Do you know the difference between a creepy guy that stars and a confident man who looks you in the eyes?
It’s 2 seconds. It’s all it takes. A mere 2 seconds difference in looking in their eyes is what creates a different vibe.
A good rule of thumb for eye contact is 1-2 seconds and then look away. Or you can use “the staring competition” tactic. It happens when you flirt with a girl and you look her in the eyes and she looks you back and your eyes meet up. Then the question comes, who will look away first? You should never be the person who looks away first, just wait for her to do that.
But as soon as she looks away, you can (and need) to break eye contact as well. Or you will appear creepy and nobody likes a creep.
Practice method: Walk down the street (during the daytime) and spot a girl which is heading towards you. Look her in the eyes and lock that eye contact. Do this for just a couple of seconds (3-5), don’t say anything and see how they will react.
If you get a “hi” response or a slight smile, you did it correctly.
Why it works:
The eyes are the window to the soul. And again, when we look at someone else in the eyes, we are first of all showing them one of our most vulnerable parts of our bodies – an open eye. The second thing is that we are risking our awareness of the surroundings by only looking at that person and basically ignoring everything else around us.
In the tribal times, this would be a super risky move because you never knew what lurked around you and you had to be aware all the time.
7. Be socially savvy and calibrated
What it means:
Guys brag about the hotness of their girl. Girls brag about the coolness of their guy. And by coolness, they mean the ability to adapt to social situations and appear on top of them.
That means to be socially savvy. It means that you understand when to be serious, when to crack a joke, when to crack multiple jokes, when to excuse yourself from the group, how to move the crowd, where to move the crowd, how to talk to her boss, her guy friends, her girlfriends, her parents but also her overly protective older brother and deviant younger sister.
And to be socially savvy, you need to understand the environment you are in and calibrate yourself towards that.
How to do it:
There are 3 levels of calibration. Internal calibration, which is all about how you feel and the congruency of how you feel with how you behave. We all start here on this level and deal at first with the way we feel in a situation and try to either embrace that or somehow try to hide it.
The second level of calibration is the external calibration. This is no longer about you and your emotions. It’s now about her and her emotional state. So you adjust your behavior (social savvy) according to what she shows and responds.
If she is bored or disinterested, you push jokes, do a more aggressive kino, get closet to her and draw her in. If she is super interested and leaned in the conversation, then you can take a chill pill and lay back in the conversation.
This will take a lot of experience but don’t quit because you will get there. You can and you will become better at reading her emotional signals.
And then, there is the third level of calibration. This is where you become a master, where the girls love you and where you flirt like a boss.
The third level of calibration is environmental calibration. This is where it’s no longer about you, her or you and her. This is about you, her and the environment and this is what I mean by that.
Let’s say you are with your girl in a disco and you start making out with her. That is cool. Let’s say you are with your girl in a disco and your friend is with you and he just broke up with his girlfriend. Will you make out with your girl now? Highly unlikely.
Or you see a cute barista and you want to talk to flirt with her and get her number. When she is behind the counter or has her boss next to hear, that is a really bad and not socially savvy thing to do from your side.
You either wait until the boss is not there and even better, get her to come to your table to remove yourself from “the customer” frame. You are no longer a customer which gets a grande caffe latte, you are that funny guy Joe who comes here after his workout.
Environmental calibration is something you can reach, but you need years of practice. Again, just keep doing it and you will get there. I keep telling myself the same thing. It is hard, but it’s so worthy when you know how to behave in almost every social interaction to get what you want.
Why it works:
Again, it works because girls judge guys according to their behavior. And your behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it happens around other people and the world. And every girl wants a guy who knows what to do and how to behave.
It is the characteristic which makes you a leader and a socially savvy guy who read emotions and acts according to them.
You would want someone like this to be your friend but also to be your girlfriend. We love people with high emotional intelligence and they always give us what we need at that moment. It’s like they can read our minds – social savviness tends to do that.
8. Break rapport
What it means:
This is also counter-intuitive in a flirt but works like a charm. At the start of this journey, we talked about flipping the frame and making you the reward. One variation of that is breaking rapport. What every single “expert” suggests is to establish rapport and yes, that is important, but nobody talks about breaking rapport.
Breaking rapport means that you try to disqualify her and certain characteristics or personality traits of her so that she appears as a poor match for you.
This makes you appear as non-needy and makes girls actively chase you because they look at you as a guy with high value. Because if you can reject girls in your life, it means that you have a plethora of them. That means that there is something about you that they find irresistible and then the girl needs to check it out.
How to do it:
“You are cute and everything, but I don’t know. I still don’t trust you.”
“I love you and I want to marry you. But you are a red-head and I don’t deal with red-heads. They are ___________ (insert any adjective you feel fits the picture like tough, sneaky, overly sexual, too prude, too aggressive in bed etc.)”
“You are great and all, but you live in Brooklyn.”
You break rapport in a flirt by finding any dissimilarities between you two and putting it up as an insurmountable obstacle. If she tries to break it down, it means you are doing great in a flirt. Don’t use rapport breaking immediately in a flirt, wait for at least a minute for you two to establish some kind of rapport.
In the beginning, there is nothing to break because there is no rapport. Rule of thumb: First build, then break. Rinse and repeat.
Why it works:
When you break rapport, it means you are non-needy for that girl. You flirt with her but you show her by breaking rapport that she is not the only girl in the world. And that you have plenty of them waiting for you. Because you believe that you are a catch (number 1 on the flirt list).
Girls sense this kind of behavior and are immediately drawn to it because they want to know what makes you so interesting to other girls (social proof). Some people talk about outcome independence here and the paradox of how when you want something, you never get it. But when you don’t want it, it comes almost by itself. Flirt with the girl and don’t forget to break rapport, she will want you even more because of that.
9. Don’t take anything she says seriously
What it means:
When you take care of the lesson number 2 from the list (you don’t take life seriously), then you can apply it to her life as well.
Girls will speak and they will probably speak a lot. And your job in a flirt is not to take any of it seriously. First of all, the communication rule of 7-38-55 states that we portray the message 7% with words, 38% with our tonality and 55% with our body language.
So don’t take her words for granted and think that she wants what she tells you she wants. You need to remove the words and see the underlying behavior behind the words and act according to it.
How to do it:
She might speak about something serious and you just look at her with a smirk or a short smile and make the eyes go “aaah honey.” You know what I am talking about.
The attitude you need in a flirt is “oh really, tell me more honey.” It’s slightly putting her off and she will sometimes express that, but she will actually love it. And you should continue doing that.
Why it works:
It works because you show her that you are unaffected by her experiences and keep your cool. Also, it shows her that you are a socially savvy guy (number 7 on the list) and that you understand what she needs and give her that, instead of what she wants.
10. Tease her – Man to Woman interaction
What it means:
When you want to flirt with a girl, you need to show that in the initial interaction. And by that, I mean that you need to have a man to woman interaction. This is something David Deida talked about a lot and you should check out his book called “The Way of a Superior Man”
A man to woman interaction in the flirt means that you need to tease her (a bit, don’t overdo it) and that you need to make it funny, not in an attacking mode.
How to do it:
I left this until the end because it depends on your delivery and you need to be sure to look her in the eyes (number 6 on the list) and that you communicate to her that there is more to the words.
The real message is behind the words that you are communicating and she loves that game. She steps into the arena with you and then you banter back and forth with silly words. While at the same time, you are making a man to woman interaction and connection underneath the surface.
Make sure to include touch (number 5 from the list) when making jokes or teasing her. That will give her a sense of security while at the same time make her think “does he really like me” because you send her a few mixed signals.
If you are a guy reading this, then you know how mixed signals play with our minds. The secret is that when you flirt like this, the mixed signals get into her head as well.
Why it works:
I really want you to read David Deida’s “The Way of a Superior Man” to get the nuances of man to woman interactions. But long story short – masculine and feminine energy need to balance themselves out (imagine it like yin and yang). A guy usually have more masculine energy and girls usually have more feminine energy.
When you engage in a banter and tease her, those energies start to move around and are being transferred into an open field where you can sense them (even though we usually can’t describe them). And that is what creates a tension and the flirt.
Conclusion
We have covered a lot in this “no BS how to flirt with girls” guide. The 10 lessons we learned were:
1. Flip the frame
2. You don’t take life seriously
3. Speak your mind
4. Notice details
5. Touch people
6. Make strong eye contact
7. Be socially savvy and calibrated
8. Break rapport
9. Don’t take anything she says seriously
10. Tease her – Man to Woman interaction
Flirt using these elements and you will succeed. And if you still think you need more information, then I will suggest you these readings. They helped me and that’s why I recommend it.
1. Neil Strauss – The Game
2. Neil Strauss – The Truth
3. David Deida – The Way of a Superior Man
4. Mark Manson – Models
5. Mark Manson – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
6. Don Miguel Ruiz – The Four Agreements
7. Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now
