Why should or shouldn’t you date a hookup
Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left but then, suddenly, there is a cute girl on the picture.
She has a seductive but cute face and you instantly got attracted to her so you swipe right.
After a couple of messages here and there, you two meet up for a coffee which leads to a bar and “just one drink.” A couple of drinks later, you are leading her back to your apartment, opening the door, passionately kissing her on the neck while she tears your clothes apart.
You experience the best sex and probably the best night of your life then. She completely rocked your world.
Fast forward to the next day.
You can’t stop thinking about that girl. You feel like she has it all – brains, a great body and an unlimited desire for you which literally spill from her eyes as soon as she sees you.
You go from “this is going to be a great hookup” to “I really want to date this girl.”
You are left confused as to what to do now. Do you talk to her or ignore her, is it just your imagination playing with you or do you really like, do you text her for a hookup or call her up for a date?
So many questions, so much confusion. I know, I’ve been there and that’s why I will help you with this decision.
We will first determine if you really want to date the girl and then proceed to the 10 ways you can turn a hookup into a relationship. Because most of the times I’ve done this, it appeared that guys actually don’t want a relationship, they want comfort or have some other undiagnosed needs. That’s why I have the checklist to help you determine if you really want this.
Here is checklist I’ve used for years to determine if I really want to date this girl or is keeping her as a hookup a better option.
Hookup turned dating checklist
1. Is it the honeymoon phase?
You know the moment you meet a girl and you feel like she is the only one in the world for you. You see all of her beauty and you’re simply mesmerized by everything she does without noticing any of her flaws.
Welcome to the Honeymoon phase.
The Honeymoon phase is where you’re just getting to know her and you think your hookup is super cool. But if I would ask you to name her flaws (and trust me, everyone has flaws), would you be able to do it.
When our hormones are raging and we believe we have found “the one,” what in fact happens is that we’re blinded by the Honeymoon phase.
Take a bit of your time to truly get to know your hookup, her strengths and weaknesses, her strong points but also her flaws. Only then can you actually see the person for who she is instead of having a mental image you projected on her.
Checklist question: Can you name 3 of her flaws and how are you accepting them?
2. “The only fish in the sea” syndrome
It was swiping left for you for ages and suddenly, this girl came along. So you jumped the gun and thought that you need to date her.
There are more than 4 billion women out there and even if you have 37 criteria for women, you would still find at least 50 000 girls that are you just like that one. Don’t settle.
If you have been out of the game for a long time or didn’t have successes, even with a hookup, then it’s time to step on a brake.
Consider if you want a relationship only because there is nobody else right now or because you truly care for this person. If it’s not the right person, don’t commit yourself to the relationship.
You will waste your and her time as well and you will both end up hurt from this.
Checklist question: When was the last time you had sex before this person came along?
3. Is a relationship fit for your lifestyle right now?
If you just quit your job and you are building a start-up which requires 16-hour work days with 250 days on the road, then you should think about the time needed for a relationship to work.
A relationship isn’t a hookup and a proper one that works requires time and energy. That is something which you don’t have when you are overworked, underpaid or simply living on a 250/MpH speed.
Take a long, hard look at your lifestyle and see if you can turn a hookup which requires less time into a relationship which requires a hell of a lot more.
Checklist question: How many hours a week can I allocate for my relationship?
4. The dual approval of heart and the mind
When you are building a relationship, you want it to have some sort of a future. You don’t want to be in a relationship just because you want to be in a relationship.
You want to know that there is a certain future you two can share together. But for you to know, understand and see that, you need the dual approval.
We have already discussed the perils of the Honeymoon phase on deciding to turn a hookup into a relationship. Here, we will take a “logical” approach to relationships.
You need to both feel emotionally right for the other person and also logically assess how you two would work out.
You can have the biggest hots for a girl and have mind-blowing sex, but she is a drug addict which stole your TV last time she was in your apartment.
Heart says Yes, mind says “o hell no.”
She is a hedge-fund manager with her own life and autonomy, a great apartment, smoking hot body and no daddy-issues as an emotional baggage. But there is absolutely no chemistry between you two.
Mind says Yes, heart says “o hell no.”
Checklist question: Do both my mind and my heart say yes to turning this hookup into a relationship?
If you went through the checklist and decided that you actually don’t want to date this hookup, then try to keep it as it is.
If you have gone through this checklist and decided that you truly want to date this hookup then continue reading the article. You will find 10 simple pieces of advice on how to turn a hookup into a relationship.
10 simple pieces of advice on how to turn a hookup into a relationship
1. Make a real connection
A real connection is about making a mere physical thing like a hookup into an emotional ride with sincerity, vulnerability and deep affection for the person.
I could write for days and hours on how to make a real connection (and I have, you can check it out here), but what I would suggest you here is a movie.
It’s called Don Jon, starring Joseph-Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johannson and it’s exactly about forming a real, deep, meaningful connection with someone else.
2. Make it about more than just booty calls
A girl likes nothing more than to get a drunken text at 1 a.m. to come over. Joke aside, if you want to date this girl (and you do), then you should make plans with her for more activities then a booty call.
Don’t overdo it here by calling her up on your cousin’s wedding which is in six months – simply suggest that she can stay the night and then you two can get a breakfast in the morning.
Or call her up for a coffee during the day- something which sends a message that this isn’t a booty call, but on the other side isn’t too soon too much.
Rule of thumb here is to take small, incremental steps instead of giants leaps. Coffee during the day is good, a dinner in a fancy restaurant isn’t.
3. Talk about relationships
So you got her out of the horizontal position to somewhere where you two can talk. What to talk about? Address the elephant in the room because it will probably be awkward in the beginning.
Take the lead and start talking about relationships (in general) and how they simplify life, what their meaning is and how great they are when you find a great person.
Don’t push to talk about ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, but simply keep the conversation about generalities and take it from there. You will notice how she acts, feels, and reacts to this topic so you adjust to her.
4. Ask about her life
“So, what’s up” isn’t a question about her life. It’s a question that yells at her that you have zero creativity and that you’re bored to death so you are texting/asking her.
Ask about her hobbies, the craziest thing she did in her 20’ies, what her childhood was like, who was her favorite movie star, what she does for “life” (not for a living) etc.
Ask the things that reveal her character to you. That is how you will deepen the relationship you two have, move it from only physical to emotional and convey to her that you are interested in her. And by interested, I mean not just in her physique, but also her brains, emotions, and life.
Girls pick up on this quite fast so your curiosity won’t go unnoticed. Keep on calibrating your approach to the questions and make it a conversation, not an interrogation.
5. Show her your (cool) life
Which leaves a better impression of these two scenarios:
“I have a 70 yacht.”
“Hey, I’m throwing a small party next Sunday and it would be cool if you could join up.
We are starting the sail at 15:00 from Dock 55 Marina del Rey.
Can you make it?”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there. You have a boat?”
“O yeah, I forgot to mention that. Business was going good so I got myself one last year.”
And the conversation could continue in so many different ways, all beneficial for you if you used the second approach.
Instead of telling her how cool, brave, rich, smart, reliable you are, simply show her that through your lifestyle.
You don’t need to try hard, that will only make a counter-effect. Simply live your life as you live it per usual and simply show her that.
You don’t need to have your own yacht. You can simply take her to your favorite coffee shop where the staff treats you like family, or invite her over for a movie where she can see the pictures from your travels on your apartment walls.
Or cook something for breakfast or lunch – it’s up to you.
But the point is to show her that you’re a cool guy not only on the surface but also that you truly lead a cool life.
6. Make her miss you
Message sent at 7 p.m.
Message read at 7:01 p.m
Message answered at 7:02 p.m
When she sends you a message or demands that you talk to her, invest time in her and in general be available to her, you need to chill out a bit and not respond immediately.
Because you have just shown her your cool life and now, she is hooked on you and she wants to get to you know you more.
But if you give yourself over on a platter immediately, she will grow tired of you.
You need to use what some people call the “Cat string theory.”
If you take a ball of string and tease the cat with it, holding it so close but yet out of the reach, she will constantly jump around to take it, thus keeping itself interested in it.
If the cat gets the ball, she will play with it for a while but then lose interest.
If the ball is completely out of reach, the cat won’t even bother.
So by making yourself there, but a bit out of reach, she will simply want you more.
Wait with answering messages for a couple of hours, reschedule the time when it fits you instead of her and “defend” your time from her.
This will make her chase you because people want what people can’t have.
7. Use passive attraction
This basically means that she should know that you have other girls in your life and that other girls want your time. She isn’t the only one that wants your attention and that if she wants you, she needs to make an effort.
You can use social media effectively for this by showing off with other girls via Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. When she sees that you’re a “wanted merchandise”, that will immediately raise her attraction towards you.
This is based on the thing called “the perceived value.” You can’t touch that value, but it’s certainly there and people value it- even though it’s only the perception.
Brand of any company is a perceived value and you as a guy can have the same thing.
We want more of the things we perceive valuable and if other people want it to, then the perceived value of the item grows.
So the more women want you, the more value you will appear to have. This is what’s called passive attraction and you should use it to your advantage.
8. Be 100% or 0% with her
Ok, you are a busy guy with an amazing lifestyle and a lot of girls around you. But when you make time for the hookup you want to start dating, you need to give her your time – 100%.
This means that when you’re finally with her, you are with her 100%. That means that you don’t scroll on your phone when she talks, that you don’t work when you are with her and that you fully pay attention to her.
When you are there, you are 100% there. If you make her feel this important in your life by making her your world for the next one (or four) hour, you will get yourself a great girlfriend.
Don’t half-ass it. Either do it 100% or don’t do it at all (0%).
9. Create mystery around you
Hey girl, here is my life story in 3 minutes and that’s it. Wow, what a boring movie… I mean person.
People like to have quests and mission in life and when you get to know someone, it’s the same thing. Leave many places mysterious but you can drop some small hints here and there.
Let her want to know you more and explore everything you are instead of you simply telling her everything.
When a girl has this “Who in the world are you” look on her face, that means you got her interested. And she will be on a quest to discover who you are. Remember the cat string theory here – give her just enough to keep her hooked but not everything to grow bored.
I did this thing with an audience of 200 people when I started telling them about my internship to Russia.
“So I went to Russia on an in internship and when I landed there, apparently I didn’t have all the necessary documents. So the authorities deported me back to Turkey. But then, all hell broke loose and the government in Turkey locked me up in the jail at the airport. But what followed in the jail was the most difficult day in my life. And….we are out of time, to be continued on the plenary tonight.”
I’ve had 100 people come to me during the day dying to hear the end of the story, but I had them wait because mystery and suspense breed attraction and attention.
10. Create a “you and me vs. the world” scenario
And the last advice for turning a hookup into a person you want to date is to create a “me and you vs. the world” scenario.
This is also something borrowed from the evolutionary biology where tribes would fight together if there was a bigger threat endangering all of them.
During this time of crisis, you become so cohesive against something out there that you act like a single individual. And by creating this kind of scenario, you two get this internal cohesion against something out there.
This can be a movie you two don’t like but which everyone loves or a simple experience you two had together which none else did and now you created an internal jargon for that.
Framing the conversation this way happens naturally over a longer period of time, but if you want it to happen fast, then you should use polarization.
Put yourself and the girl you want to date on one side by finding something you both love and put everyone else on the other side by making them your “enemies.”
You both love Carlos Santana but you met at a disco with only EDM music.
So you tell her “Look at all these people loving this EDM music, while you and I know the real value of music – played by Carlos Santana.”
Instant polarization and you two form a team against everyone.
We have covered a lot here, from the initial dilemma of you actually wanting to date the girl or not. We had a small checklist there with 4 questions you should have answered for yourself.
The 4 questions were related to:
1. The Honeymoon phase
2.”The only fish in the sea” syndrome
3. Relationship fitting your lifestyle right now and,
4. The dual approval of heart and mind
Only when you have answered these questions and decided that you want to date a hookup, is when we went into pieces of advice on turning a hookup girl into someone you date.
There, we covered 10 pieces of advice and they were:
1. Making a real connection
2. Making it about more than just booty calls
3. Talking about relationships in general
4. Asking about her life
5. Showing her your (cool) life
6. Making her miss you
7. Using passive attraction
8. Being with her 100% or not at all
9. Creating mystery around you and
10. Creating a “you and me vs. the world” scenario
You’re ready now. Go out there and make it happen.